2 Days after getting back from Mexico I am scheduled for my MRI on January 30, 2009. MRI's are pretty standard...lay perfectly still and it is very noisy. At least it is done and we can see if anything is going on and rule out other things.
I am getting a lot of heat from work. They don't understand how I could go to Mexico, but I can't come back to work. So I try to go back to work. I started back on February 2, 2009 starting at 4 hours a day for the first week. It is hard being back. Besides playing major catch up and cleaning up many messes that were left from my co-workers, physically I am just drained being back at work. I focus on trying to get my tasks accomplished and just get through my 4 hours. I pretty much stay to myself. I have to. I am fighting off physical ailments to get through the hours and my head is spinning with trying to keep it all together. It is extremely difficult. But I am trying to make a go of it. I gotta earn brownie points for trying...right???
I also get scheduled for an Echo cardiogram of my heart to make sure that the inflammation isn't in my heart and that there are no problems there. This happens on February 6, 2009.
After my first week back to work, I literally crash for the weekend. My body is extremely unhappy with me that I am pushing it so hard. I am just trying to function normally. But it is seeming to be too much for what I am dealing with (and we don't know what we are dealing with yet!)
Monday February 9th, I try a full day of work. This nearly kills me. I guess I am stubborn and trying to prove mind over matter but my body is clearly not happy with me. I know that this pace is not going to last long. Too much is going on in my body. Tuesday February 10, I literally drag my butt to work. I feel like I am in a fog, it takes all of my energy to focus, to push all the physical stuff to the back burner and try to function.
Sometime that day, my supervisor wants to meet with me to see how things are going. So we meet in a meeting room to have a private chat. She asks me how I think things are going and I tell her it is extremely hard but I am trying. She points out that I seem kind of distant and I agree, I tell her that I am dealing with so much that I just am trying to focus on the work and get things done. She says that she needs a note from my doctor saying that I was cleared to go to Mexico as she doesn't believe that I was. She asks me if they know what is wrong with me yet and I tell them that they are still working on it, that I am still getting tested etc. She then looks at me and in all seriousness asks me "If they haven't figured you out by now, maybe they should look at your mental state."
Did she just really ask me that? So many thoughts and words run through my head. I literally have to bite my tongue. If I say anything right now, it will not be good. I just look at her, grab my things and say that the meeting is over. I walk back to my desk and I am just furious. I just focus on getting through to the end of the day.
Wednesday morning February 11, 2009, I call into work and say that I won't be able to make it in that day, things are too rough. I am physically shutting down. My supervisor calls me back and I can't even take the phone call. I don't dare take the phone call. Who knows what else is going to be said to me. The phone message is not professional and she doesn't understand why I am not coming to work today, I need to give a full explanation as to why I am not there. I phone my doctor and make an appointment with him for right after lunch. I call Glenn and ask me if he can come and take me to my appointment, I know that I am going to need him. I phone my work back at lunch time so I can leave a message and tell them that I am not in because I am sick.
I go to my doctor's appointment with Glenn and I tell him how the last week has been at work. My body is not responding well. I feel myself getting worse and worse. I tell him about the conversation with my supervisor the day before. My doctor immediately starts typing away on his computer. He hands me a note saying I am off work indefinitely. He is mad. He says they have no right to treat me like that and he will not let me go through that when I am going through what I am physically. He is mad that she has belittled the medical profession and that he hasn't figured out what is wrong with me. He loves how everyone thinks they know what is going on when they know nothing as to what is going on. He reiterates that it will take time, that we have to check things and rule things out but we will get to the bottom of it. Did I mention that I love my doctor?
Glenn and I then go straight to my work from the doctor's office. We walk in together (I feel like I need a body guard, I don't trust what they will say or do to me) and I walk straight to my supervisor's office and hand her both letters from my doctor, the one for Mexico and for being off work indefinitely. I don't even think I say anything, Glenn is guiding me to my desk to grab a few personal belongings and so that we can get out of there. I am done. I don't know when I will be back, but it won't be anytime soon. I need to be off work, I need to be left alone, not harassed, and I need to get better. I need to get better. This is the ultimate goal.
I walk out the door with a few personal things, with my man by my side and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. Glenn takes me home and I crash. It has been a very emotional few days. It has been a very physically challenging week. I couldn't even tell you how long I slept that day, but I know that it was hours because when I woke up, Glenn was home from work and he had been for a long time. Here we go...what is going to happen next?
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