September 2009

I have my last rehabilitation appointment on September 9, 2009.  And it's not because I am ready to go back to work.  It is because my body wants to keep going backwards instead of forwards the more we push it.  Jay, my therapist says that he is done with me, he will write a letter to my insurance company telling them that he does not recommend further rehab until they know exactly what is wrong with me.  He does not want to be responsible for anything that could happen in the future.  We gave it a good honest effort and it just did not work out.  This makes my Rehab Consultant angry, she phones me and tells me that the chances of the doctors finding anything wrong with me is highly unlikely.  She doesn't officially say it (she knows she could be in legal trouble if she does officially say it) but she thinks I am nuts in the head.

I then have to make the phone call to report her for her recent outburst to me.  Seriously, the last thing that a sick person needs is to be making phone calls like this.  But I am literally shaking and can't let this go.  I report her and the insurance company is shocked by her behaviour.  I tell them that if I have rehab in the future, I will have no dealings with this woman, they will have to find me another Rehab Consultant.  They say that they will take care of the situation.  I never have to talk, or see this woman ever again.

An episode like that can really rattle a person though.  And she is not the only one that has hinted that my mental state is in need of questioning.  Just because I don't have any answers to what is going on with me, doesn't mean that people should jump to the conclusion that I am mentally unstable and that is what is causing my physical problems.  It is a very dark time for me.  I begin to question who I am, am I really sick or AM I mentally sick.  It is a battle that can really start to take over your mind.  I am thankful for my close network of people that I call and cry with.  They reassure me that I am not mentally going crazy, there is a physical problem with my body and one day the doctor's will figure it out.  They point out the blood work and the results that we have showing that something is definitely wrong.  It takes some convincing but I pull my mental state back up and I get back on track.  People have to be VERY careful what they say to people when they are sick.  Words have power and words can be very damaging.  I have cried enough tears.  I am done justifying myself to people for things.  At least for now.  Every day brings about a different challenge that you have to get through, but I know that slowly and surely, I will get through them.

In all of that, it is sometimes hard to have some "fun" moments in my life.  On days were I don't feel so bad and do something, I always feel like "Big Brother" is watching and I will get busted.  It is so insane.  I am still entitled to have a life.  If possible, I can still enjoy a gathering with friends or a football game etc.  Those few hours of fun, might only be the few hours of enjoyment that I will get that day, week or month.  I have to let myself enjoy them when I can.  But the words and thoughts of people will always haunt me.  I just want my life to go back to normal and I am trying to do that when I can.  Again, no sick person should ever have to think these things.  I have learned so much about judging people.  Until you walk a mile in their shoes, keep your mouth shut.

September 29, 2009 I have to go back to see Dr. Davis.  Remember him?  The wonderful Rheumatologist who is more concerned about his trips and lunches than patients...yup him.  I am to go back to him because of the relapse that I had in July with my joints.  Again, he is unsure as to what is going on but wants me to go for another bone scan just to make sure nothing drastically changed in the last 10 months.  I hope that nothing comes up and that I never have to see this doctor again.

September was a very hard month.  I am glad it is behind me.  October is GOING to be better...