There are days when I would wake up and wonder what the heck was going on. It took everything within me to get from the bed to the couch. I would butter a piece of toast and need a nap. Some days, functioning was just not a word that I was familiar with. Again, I would lean on my support network and just phone them and cry. Cry because I couldn't get off the couch due to lack of energy. Cry because I still had no answers and was sick of living this life that I was in now. Cry because my mind would try play tricks and tell me that this was a mental thing. Not everyday was like this of course but when these days did come, the tears could flow.
And then I would be mad at myself. Be stronger than this. Don't let this get you down. Why push yourself when you don't have to. Take it one day at a time and enjoy the good days when you get them. Life could be worse. I would pick myself up and the crying would stop but that still doesn't bring you back the energy that you don't have. It still doesn't take the pain away. It still doesn't get you off the couch, but at least now I can watch a program on TV and laugh. I am so thankful that I didn't let myself get deeply depressed by all of this. I think that I just refused to let that happen. I couldn't do it to myself or to Glenn. I do know now that sometimes it is okay to cry. You have to let it out. It is okay to have emotions like that. Just don't let it overtake you.
February 2010 was quiet for appointments and doctors. In fact I had no appointments this month. We did celebrate my Grandparents 65th Wedding Anniversary up in Westlock on February 20th. It was to be an all afternoon affair of open house, program and then a private family dinner afterwards.
We only made it to the private family dinner. Due to the way I felt that day, I had to miss out on the rest of the festivities. There was no way I could have held up through it all. If I could have been a fly on the wall and just watched everything, that would be one thing. But it would have been a full day of interacting with people and I just don't have the stamina to do it. In fact, I try to make myself go but Glenn, thankfully, just looks at me and makes the executive decision that the dinner is all we will be able to do. Thank goodness for his wisdom. We make it to the dinner and again, I am drugged up beyond belief just to get through the dinner. But I am so glad that I didn't have to miss out on the entire thing. But I am still mad that this whatever I have made me miss out on the afternoon. You can't do it all. I pray that we get to the end of this nightmare so that I don't have to miss out on anything else in life.